General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Yesterday, 07:50 PM
Weight Loss Surgery & Husband I am posting here because I need to gain some outside perspective on a situation I am facing.
Today my husband told me that a friend of our's just got weight loss surgery and then he said he thinks I should do it too. I am chubby and have always been. Currently 5ft1 and 210lbs. This makes me about 78lbs overweight. My response is that I am otherwise healthy, I walk the neighborhood to get exercise, and do not want to undergo surgery that could be risky and jeopardize my otherwise good health. Also, my insurance will not cover it and it would cost us around $9000 out of pocket, which we do not have. I tell him this, and his response is that walking is not going to cut it in weight loss and that when I go to the gym, I half-a** it for an hour and then leave. (Please note that we have only gone to the gym together once and he was the one who wanted to leave after an hour. When I workout, I do so alone or with girlfriends because he will refuse to go with me. Why he refuses I have no idea.)
I feel that whatever I do to be a good wife, a good person, it will never satisfy him because I am overweight. He brings my weight up quite frequently and says I always shoot down his suggestions or take offense. I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself. Why is this such a hang-up between us? Should I just get the surgery to shut him up? What kind of person would that make me? Is there any future in this marriage if we cannot love each other wholly, flaws and all?
Yesterday, 08:22 PM
Re: Weight Loss Surgery & Husband Medical terms are best for this discussion. At current weight your BMI is 40, which means you are in medical terms "severely obese".
This puts you at a super high health risk. Financially you will spend way, way more in medical costs than 9K in the long run if you don't lose this weight.
There are a lot of physiological reasons why it is exceptionally hard to lose and then "keep" the weight off once you get to such a high BMI. From what I have read - lap-band works.
As for your guy - no comment. This should be straight up about you. A surgeon will tell you all the reasons you "should" do this - but he has a financial incentive. What does your general practitioner say?
Originally Posted by
quirky_girl 
I am posting here because I need to gain some outside perspective on a situation I am facing.
Today my husband told me that a friend of our's just got weight loss surgery and then he said he thinks I should do it too. I am chubby and have always been. Currently 5ft1 and 210lbs. This makes me about 78lbs overweight. My response is that I am otherwise healthy, I walk the neighborhood to get exercise, and do not want to undergo surgery that could be risky and jeopardize my otherwise good health. Also, my insurance will not cover it and it would cost us around $9000 out of pocket, which we do not have. I tell him this, and his response is that walking is not going to cut it in weight loss and that when I go to the gym, I half-a** it for an hour and then leave. (Please note that we have only gone to the gym together once and he was the one who wanted to leave after an hour. When I workout, I do so alone or with girlfriends because he will refuse to go with me. Why he refuses I have no idea.)
I feel that whatever I do to be a good wife, a good person, it will never satisfy him because I am overweight. He brings my weight up quite frequently and says I always shoot down his suggestions or take offense. I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself. Why is this such a hang-up between us? Should I just get the surgery to shut him up? What kind of person would that make me? Is there any future in this marriage if we cannot love each other wholly, flaws and all?
Yesterday, 10:44 PM
Yesterday, 11:19 PM
Re: Weight Loss Surgery & Husband Originally Posted by
quirky_girl I absolutely hate to be judged for something as frivolous as appearance so when he says these things I think less of him. The first thought that I get is that he is a superficial idiot who is not skinny himself. Why is this such a hang-up between us? Should I just get the surgery to shut him up? What kind of person would that make me? Is there any future in this marriage if we cannot love each other wholly, flaws and all?Well, you aren't gonna like me very much right now, but I am gonna go ahead and say it. Appearance does matter. Being able to look sexy does matter. Sexual attraction is a huge part of a marriage. ( Not just for you, but both of you). If he is telling you that he no longer finds you sexually attractive, I don't see that as frivolous or superficial. I see it as an honest concern. My H puts on weight from time to time and even though I still love him, I am less attracted to him. He knows that. And he freely tells me if he thinks I have put on a few pounds.
Should you get a surgery just for him? H*ll no. Should you consider seeing a nutritionist/dietician and a trainer to get your weight loss jump started? Yep. If you want him to find you sexually arousing, yeah. You say he isn't skinny either, speak up! Tell him what you want for him to be attractive to you! You are married, you should be able to tell each other these things!
Granted though, no he wasn't very polite about it at all. His route was a little harsh, but if he has been "gently" saying things for a while I guess I can kinda see it. Is that the case?
Today, 12:22 AM
I'm going to be blunt because I've been where you're at. Two years ago I was 230 pounds and 5'6". Today I pretty much maintain 155 when I'm healthy.
I'll agree that your husband's approach/tactics to 'inspire' you are cruel and suck. And of course something like surgery is a very big, personal decision, so it's hard to speak to that. But having been fat (yes, fat--I started changing my ways because I was simply I couldn't face being a size 20, wasn't going to happen) and having been if not thin, then 40's curvy at least, I can tell you this:
Hate being judged "frivolously" on your appearance all you want, but it's the first impression on people and a bad one sticks.
Your otherwise good health--maybe you're lucky, I am. I have generally low blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. so my obesity was only really ever really reflected in my liver panel. Oh wait...I really need my liver, there's just the one. It catches up to you somewhere, trust me.
On top of being treated better *everywhere* and being measurably healthier: I get a complete blood workup every 6 months so I can see what those changes are...I just feel better about myself.
Screw what your husband says, but do think seriously about taking care of yourself. Frankly, I'd lose weight just to spite him and then tell him about every guy who opened a door for me every day after that, lol. Of course I work on a health sciences campus, so about 75% of everyone is male, tilts those odds a bit, but still...I'm onery like that 
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Today, 12:46 AM
Re: Weight Loss Surgery & Husband Besides the health risk, you risk losing your husband to some one he finds more sexually attractive. He loves you enough to tell you that he is not happy with your appearance. He wants to find you attractive because he does not want to lose interest in staying married with the woman he loves. He may be too blunt and insensitive but he is giving you fair chance to maintain his attraction to you. You are deluding yourself if you think this is not a big problem.
He is not being a jerk really, he is showing his commitment to you and that is a good thing. Unfortunately looks do matter in a relationship and it's not shallow to want your spouse to look their best and be healthy. Don't do it for him, do it for you. At your height and wieght I think you are not mearly chubby and you can not possibly be healthy. Do you have a high cholesterol, high blood pressure, pre diabetes, shortness of breath, lack of stamina? You may be minimizing a serious problem of obesity. If you get back down to you fighting weight you will feel so much better and your self confident will shoot up.
Thank your husband for caring for you enough to be willing to lay out big bucks to get a wife who is healthy and attractive. don't take his request negatively and be resistant just show him looks don't matter. Health and looks are important for a feeling of well being. Besides why not make the man you love happy, he is committed to you and loves you, you'd have to be a dolt to turn that away don't you think!! .
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Last edited by Catherine602; Today at 12:54 AM.
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