Needing and Sharing Comfort Food: It's Human. Dump the Guilt.

Well, it’s time to fix another body part. It’s like I’m in a “Surgery-of-the-Year” club. The dues are pretty high, but what can I do? I need functioning joints if I can get ‘em.
This year, it’s my left shoulder. I didn’t injure it, but due to my “loose ligaments” and arthritis, I tore the supraspinatus muscle, which is part of the rotator cuff, as well as the biceps tendon a few years ago. I was able to rehab with physical therapy and chiropractic (see “It’s All One Big Huge Freaking Circle”), but then in April, I mowed my lawn and made a mediocre problem a bigger problem. I literally tore the crap out of that supraspinatus.

Every night I sleep against a pillow fortress (BF calls it The Great Wall of China) which elevates my arm enough so I can sleep with minimal pain. However, the last few months I’ve been awake most nights at 3 a.m. with a burn in my shoulder so hot I could supply enough energy to keep my town in electricity for a week. (This, in addition to hot flashes, makes my nights really interesting.) I get up and take 2-4 Advil with a glass of soy milk or a piece of cheese because if I don’t, the Advil will eat my gut. Too bad NSAIDs aren’t a weight-loss aid…

In addition to the muscle/tendon tears, I found out today that my biceps tendon is not where it should be and needs to be “moved back into place.” Hmmm… Sounds like fun. Doc will also clean out the arthritis. Afterwards, he’ll stitch and patch me up, put me in a sling, and send me home where I won’t be able to shower or wear a bra for at least a week. Can’t wait. And I wasn’t even a bad girl this year! Santa better treat me well…LOL

Oh, I kid you. It’s not all that bad. It could be a lot worse, I know that. And I could also choose to drown my sorrows in food, which, for a moment, I thought about doing.

As I posted on Lynn’s Weigh on Facebook: “I saw my orthopedic surgeon today and I admit, my first thought after getting into my car after the appointment was, 'I want to eat.' Granted, I was hungry, but I wanted to eat something to console myself. I thought about it and was grateful that I recognized this feeling and met it head on. It didn't stop me from getting vegetarian dolmades at my favorite Greek restaurant, but I understood why I wanted them. And not only are they awesome comfort food, they're not horrible for me, either :)”

I took my dolmades and a Greek salad over to my daughter’s house, where she and the g-babies were eating lunch at the dining room table. I sat down next to Claire and opened the Styrofoam container of dolmades. We all chatted while they ate their chili and I my pieces of grape leaf heaven. Then I opened the container of Greek salad: lettuce, feta, red onions, tomatoes, olives and peperoncini.

“I done, Mama,” said Luca and he got down from his chair. I thought he was going to go play, but as I talked to Cassie, the little munchkin crawled under the table, climbed up on to my lap, grabbed a piece of lettuce and ate it. “Mmmm…” he said.
Claire then said she was done, too, and started eating my salad. Who knew salads were finger food? They also ate the pita that came with the dolmades (I’m still gluten-free! Three weeks in and I feel great!), dipping them in the Greek salad dressing that is so absolutely fantastic I wish Greek Stop bottled it. But the don’t. And they won’t. So sad.
Anyway, my salad was gone and they were still hungry, so Claire went to the fridge and dug out a bag of spinach and dumped a bunch into the Styrofoam container so she and Luca could continue to graze. It was wild watching them eat lettuce and spinach, leaf by leaf. When they were done, Luca was covered in dressing and very, very happy. Claire was a little more neat, but she still had olive-oil hands, and after she washed them, proceeded to dry her hands on my jeans, laughing so hard she almost peed herself. Who knew Greek salad could get you so high?

I did! That’s why it, and the dolmades, were my go-to food when I got the shoulder low-down from Doc today. Comfort food – when used in moderation, and particularly when it’s shared with people we love (Thanksgiving and mashed potatoes, anyone?) – is OK. Dump the guilt! God knows I spent years during my weight loss/maintenance feeling guilty for eating food that soothed my soul. I’m so over that.

I did a little search-a-roo on the Internet and found a few recipes for dolmades that I will attempt to perfect before my surgery in December so I can make them (with my one good arm and an assistant) when I need comfort food during rehab. I’m going to try a vegetarian version of this recipe from Food Network or this one from Living and Loving in LA or both!

How do you respond to your inner “You need comfort food NOW!” voice? And if you choose to eat a comfort food, which one or ones are your go-tos?

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“Pack your bags!. We’re going on a guilt trip!”

When I was in North Carolina last month, I bought a notepad with this cover:
Know what I use that notepad for? My grocery list!

Yesterday on my Lynn’s Weigh Facebook page, I posted a link to this article: “Middle-aged women happier with moderate exercise.” I wrote:

“I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I do much better when I'm not killing myself with vigorous exercise and yet, I feel so guilty for not exercising like I used to.”

Reader Michelle posted this response: “I don't get the feeling guilty part. Why do something that doesn't make you feel good?”

Guilt, among other definitions, is “self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.” I don’t know why guilt is easily absorbed by some and rejected by others. All I know is that I don’t remember a time when I haven’t known self-inflicted guilt. Guilt in the form of having let someone down. If I didn’t make my bed, I let my mom down. If I didn’t get an A on a test, I let my teachers down. If I hit a pop fly into right field, I let my softball team down. And whenever I gained weight, I let myself down.

Over the years, I’ve grown a thicker skin, something less porous. I can better discern those actions that are “worthy” of guilt and those that are unproductive self-flagellation. Better, but not perfected. Food and exercise are those precarious areas in which I am most vulnerable to the kind of guilt that produces feelings of “inadequacy and wrongdoing,” largely because their effects are physical. If I gain weight, I’m not only letting myself down, but also a community of people who have followed my blog over the years.

So what’s a more proper response? Michelle has me thinking that it’s probably not guilt *smile* Guilt is counter-productive and paralyzing. A better response would be….? Hmmmm…. A commitment to improvement? Mindful investigation about how a certain exercise makes me feel? An acceptance of the way things are now as opposed to what they were four years ago?

Yes, yes, and yes.

I found this quote recently: “Hard though it may be to accept, remember that guilt is sometimes a friendly internal voice reminding you that you're messing up.” I’m messing up when I don’t feed my body right and when I don’t move it the way it is capable of moving. And "capable" has changed over the years. I used to hit the cardio really hard, but my arthritic joints said, "No more!" and I had to dispense with the 90-minute workouts. Yet, despite the reduction in pain due due to more moderate exercise, the guilt remains.

Guilt is one of the hardest emotions to wrap our arms around and let go of (when appropriate).
But with a little introspection on this rainy day, the fog is lifting and I’m seeing guilt for the inappropriate response it is.

How much happier would we be if we approached our bodies with care, acceptance and wisdom rather than guilt? Mess up? Yeah, we’re gonna do that sometimes. The best solution? Self correct. Don’t dig out the knotted cords.

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Ahhh the guilt.

I have to confess, up till now, I’ve bumbled through life pretty much guilt-free.

Guilt (& her bitchy BFF shame) simply didn’t have much of a place in my life.

I experience healthy guilt (my conscience telling me that I acted in a manner which didnt mesh with my self-definition/personal mission statement) and in those instances I immediately take steps to change the situation as typically I’d accidentally done something hurtful or unkind.

Guilt with regards to food or exercise? Never.

Was I born this way? Hell no Im Jewish, remember?! Not really.  You can find the four steps I took to shed the guilt here.

Recently, however, I’ve struggled with squelching emerging feelings of guilt.

Feelings which, for me, are tied into motherhood but the same ones I saw frequently with clients when it came to making time for themselves in all realms of self-care from exercise to quiet moments.

An ah ha! moment of sorts I want to share and see if youve experienced the same or if you have an tips or insights to share with us.

With the start of kindergarten came the onslaught of volunteer requests. 

Everything from booster club meetings (845a on a weekday!?) to helping in the front office (various & sundry times. All during the day).

As I do in the rest of my world (and whether it’s right or wrong it’s who I am) I whipped out my Sharpie, picked an activity I could work into my schedule and I drew my mom-working-out-of-the-house-so-it-appears-Im-always-free-but-really-Im-not boundaries.

I fought off the pressure of the school as if I really did wield super-powers because I knew, if I over-committed, the one who’d pay the price is the one for whom I ostensibly was volunnteering.

The  Tornado.

I was proud of myself and yet, for the first time ever, I experienced guilt that didnt mesh with my guilt-definition.

I felt it while working.

Something which neither violated my moral code nor caused me to be unkind or hurt someone’s feelings.

I felt it at the end of the day when she & I would snuggle and she’d asked me how my work was & if it had been hard.

An act I should have celebrated (really? you’re learning empathy & to think about others? Im so proud!)

I was seeing my world through a narrow just-me lens —- something I’d always tried to challenge my clients not to do.

I heard her saying: How was work mama? Is that why you weren’t at school today with me like other mamas?

I exhausted myself with 18 thousand different approaches to how I could volunteer more than I’d already planned while still maintaining my current workload.

I beat myself up over the fact I loved my work almost as much as I adored unplugging entirely, meeting her at the bus stop at days end & immersing myself in Tornado time.

I likely would have maintained this cycle (here’s where I admit I wasnt listening to you adult-types who tried to tell me) had I not seen the artwork pictured above at Meet the Teacher night.

Needless to say this over-tired misfit cried I noticed what she wrote & asked her about it the next morning as we played.

We had to say what we wanted to learned in kindergarten Mama (she said half paying attention and half coloring) and I want to be good at writing like you are good for your bosses with your work.

And like that my guilt vanished.

I cant promise myself it’s gone forever—but at least for now I learned (again) it was a wasted emotion & all in MY INTERPRETATION of the world around me.

When the Tornado prayed at night Thank you G-d for my mama come to lunch today she meant merely that.  THANK YOU MAMA.

When the Tornado prayed at night what I heard was Seriously G-D why the heck is my mom only there for lunch & only once a week?! 

It was all in my misfit-head.

So that’s where I am on this Friday.

Looking to you and wondering about YOUR EXPERIENCES with GUILT.

Are you like I am was & have you experienced guilt when, in all reality, it was entirely in your mind? (Hello we women beating ourselves up over self-care & making time to be healthy!)

Or have you happily lolloped through life, experienced nary a pang of misplaced guilt, & never lost sight of the definition I’d thought I’d internalized?  (I command ye to share below and feel not an iota of GUILT at asking for your time in showing us the light!)

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Guilt, Shame, and <b>Weight Loss</b>

Our bodies and minds seem dead set against maintaing a healthy balance. Here's how one sedentary Lifehacker reader leveraged things we commonly avoid as a mechanism for weight loss and a healthier lifestyle.

Photo by Alan Cleaver

It was typical really. A 28 year old computer guy that was 50 pounds overweight. Days spent sedentary in front of the computer while eating my weight in sugar and complex carbs.

I was also a sugar addict. My dad is a Little Debbie delivery guy and I grew up with a truck full of cakes sitting in the driveway. Eating boxes of Honey Buns is fine when you are 17 and on the school basketball team. It's another thing ten years later when exercise is non-existent. Now, it seemed like I couldn't walk past a donut bin at the grocery without buying one (or three) and if I was at a party and ate one cupcake, I would eat six.

I had tried all the diets. South Beach, Atkins, Weight Watchers and many others were in my past. I would stick with them for a week or two, lose a couple pounds and then quickly revert. You know the drill. You've done it too.

Finally, last year I landed on something that has allowed me to stick with a diet for over eleven months now. I learned how to leverage shame and guilt to lose over fifty pounds in less than five months and I've kept it off.

Here are the three steps I took.

By "extreme" I do not mean something that is physically dangerous. I'm not suggesting any kind of major calorie restriction, binging or anything else that will cause physical harm. In fact, the majority of my diet I pulled from the book Blue Zones that is based on a study of cultures around the world that live the longest, healthiest lives.

What I mean by "extreme" is it has to be interesting to your friends and family. It has to make them say "Wow!" when they hear it.

My diet included:

No white/refined sugarNo white/refined flourNo unnatural food - splenda, corn syrup, etc.Eat 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables every dayNo medicine or supplements (unless in emergency. But this meant no advil for headaches, etc)No meat (except for fish)Glass of wine every night

This diet wasn't unhealthy or dangerous, but it was extreme compared to my normal lifestyle and that of my friends and family. If you go on one of the normal diets, there won't be anything interesting about it. You won't catch people's attention and they won't think much about it afterwards. You need something that people want to know more about and will ask you about later.

This is where shame shows up for the first time.

I told everyone in my life that I was going on the diet. Friends, family, clients... anyone that would listen. I also posted it online and linked to it on Twitter. The point of this is to make sure everyone I interact with knows I'm on the diet.

This is where most people screw up. They only promise themselves that they are going to eat better. At most they'll tell their spouse or best friend, but those people are used to seeing you fail. When you tell everyone in your life that you are going on this extreme diet, it becomes much more embarrassing if you give up. If you fall off the wagon, you know that you're going to be stuck telling a lot of people.

That's a lot of shame.

And that's what kept my hand out of the cookie jar.

There were so many times that I wanted to break my diet and throw in the towel, but I kept thinking about all the people I would have to tell and how embarrassing it would be.

Even if I wanted to cheat, it would be hard to hide it. I might see someone at the grocery store or restaurant Not to mention, it was impossible to stick with my diet and not lose weight so if I started sneaking snacks it would be obvious pretty quickly.

Announcing my diet to the world made it so embarrassing to give up that I stuck with it.

When I started my diet last year on February 15th, I committed to a year. I would stick to the diet for a full 365 days.

Most diets start with a goal of losing a specific amount of weight. The problem is it's a moving target. When you've gone a week and only lost two pounds, it can get very discouraging.

By setting a time limit, it allows you to see a hard and fast goal. I don't know how many times I thought "Only a year. Only a year. I'm 28 years old, I'll probably live at least 75 years, I can eat healthy for at least one of those!". This allowed me to take the focus off of the scale and keep it on the calendar. The scale is fickle and a constantly moving target, the calendar is unchanging.

This is also how I leveraged guilt to lose weight.

Besides the shame of telling my friends, I would feel extremely bad if I could not stick with something for such a short period of time. Again, making it about the time limit removes any pressure to lose weight and allows you to focus on the final goal.

Set a time limit of a least 90 days and then see what can happen in that short period of time.

I had tried all the diets and none of them worked for me. I used to think it was because I was lazy and lacked will power. What I realized is that everyone is lazy and lacks will power. The trick is to leverage things like guilt and shame to keep you focused on the end goal and lose that weight.

Tim Grahl runs Out:think, a firm that helps authors sell a lot of books. His clients include bestselling authors like Daniel Pink, Tim Sanders, Dan Ariely and Hugh MacLeod. Visit his website to learn how you can make your book a bestseller.The author of this post can be contacted at tips@lifehacker.com

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