US News and World Reports Ranks the Diets

U.S. News and World Reports Ranks the Diets. For the first time ever the magazine looked at popular diet plans. The diets were rated for nutritional completeness and whether they provided enough calories. The winner… the DASH diet.

Here’s the complete report. Take a look.

Now here’s how I rank the diets that AREN’T on the US News and World Report List:

Best Diet For Looking Good in Skinny Jeans: The Genetics Diet. This diet is great for people who have narrow hips, were parented by tiny people and who just “forgot to eat.”  The trouble is if you’re human sized you’ll have to get new parents before you start this. Oh and a reality check up.

Best Diet for Being Over Forty: Be Dara Torres. Seriously – WTF. Olympic swimmer over 40 rates really effective on the works like crazy for Olympic swimmers over 40 scale. You’ll have to tell your boss you can’t be to work because of the whole “training eight hours a day” thingy.

Best Diet for Regular Women: Go on Dancing With the Stars. Regular women like Rickie Lake and Kirstie Alley are seeing AMAZING results. Operators at the casting department are standing by….

Best Diet For the Holidays: The Overbooked HOLIDAY DASH Diet. It’s the fantastic upside to overbooking yourself to the point of not being able to sit down because you’re so busy you literally have to run errands while running errands. THAN pick up stomach flu while agreeing to hosting family and neighborhood get togethers while decorating your entire house and running errands. Oh and throw in some random yelling for extra muscle toning. What?

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