Exposed: 4 Years Later

I’ve been planning on posting this for weeks, if not months, yet I still haven’t written it. See, I’m just not one of those calculated, organized blogger types. I write what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it or it just doesn’t, well, feel right. So even though I knew today was coming I had to actually wait until today to sit down and blog about it.

If you don’t know, the Exposed movement was started by Mish, a fabulous blogger who resides in Australia. In 2009 she wrote a post called Exposed and when I read it I literally dropped everything I was doing and wrote this…

Click here to see my original post from 2009.

At the time I was, as I’ve been most of my life, delusional about what my body looked like.

Fast forward a year later and I wrote a follow up post.

This time I was 2-3 months pregnant and I realized something: My body, despite all the hate and abuse I’ve spewed at it over the years, has always been amazing. You’ll have to click here to read the post, I really can’t do it without shedding a tear.

Today, this morning, I held the baby I’m pointing to in that photo before taking him to preschool.

I’d love to sit here after 4 years and tell you I love my body exactly the way it is but the truth is, I spent Saturday in a self-destructive food binge. It was my first in a really long time.

The truth is I still see myself as big, thick and chubby because I don’t look like this.

And that is what I’m exposing today.

For the past 8 years this blog has been my attempt at self-therapy and for the most part it’s worked. Every post I’ve written, I’ve written for me, to me. And each and every one has helped.

The blog has gotten me out of my own mind to face my feelings head on. It’s given me courage to push myself out of my comfort zone over and over and over again.

I’ve been arguing with myself about posting a new Exposed photo today. Part of me doesn’t want to. I’m so tired of caring and worrying about what my body looks like. Plus isn’t it about so much more than that? Isn’t it about living our best lives regardless what the scale says and how we look in a bathing suit?

The other part of me knows I need to do it. That this is what the Exposed movement is all about. This is what my blog is all about. This is how I push myself out of my comfort zone yet again.

So I grabbed the camera and tripod, took a deep breath and …

Then I decided to try and have fun with it.

Then I attempted fierce.

Yeah, I’m not sure I can pull off fierce either but hey, at least I tried.

OMG, I can’t believe I just did that.

I really do feel exposed and I guess that’s the point, huh?

In my original post I said,

…what I love about my body is that it is healthy, strong, and has the ability to change. I love that my body has grown and nurtured a life. And I love that my body allows me to enjoy life to the fullest, I know not everyone is that lucky.

All of that is still true.

In my second post I said,

I’ve been fat, skinny, young and if I’m lucky, I’ll get old but in all these states I was and will always be ME and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Also true.

This time?

This time, I’m saying despite not always being comfortable in my own skin, I still rock it, and I’m darn proud of myself. I no longer shy away from challenges or new experiences. I wake up every stinkin’ day and do my best even though inner mean girl’s voice is in my head. Some days, she is loud, deafening even, but she no longer controls me.

As cheesy as it sounds (and I made it look) I AM fierce and I’m owning it.

View the original article here

OAKtown six weeks later…

my REAR VIEW mirror…

It blows my mind out, as the Tornado no longer says, Ive been in OAKLAND for six weeks.

It feels as though it’s the perfect time to look backward (fleetingly! ephemerally!!) take stock and see how well I did (or didnt do) with those lies I told myself back in Austin.

I give you my OAKtown musings.  (Too long.  Too rambling.  You’ll have that.)

I freakin love the diversity.  VISUALLY.  Id grown so accustomed to how all the homes in my ATX ‘hood looked the same (limestone anyone?) I’d stopped noticing.   My new Oakland ‘hood is a FEAST for the eyes. one.small.example.

I freakin love the PEOPLE diversity.  I’d thought Austin was diverse.  Everyone informed me Id adore the diversity in Oakland & I noticed it the moment we stepped off the plane.  Our Jew-By-Choice, tattooed/Born-A-Jew, & Jewtemalan trio is quite the boring family in our new town….and I love it! we are sooooo dull.

I love the people.  From the moment we deplaned & the child was presented with this to last week when we were both invited on a spontaneous play date— the people in Oakland are friendly and welcoming.Oakland is me.  For myriad reasons.  All crystallized in the fact there’s very little emphasis on the trappings of the vessel.  No need to be fancy.  Fantastic if you choose to always look amazeatastic.  The vibe is completely (all together now) those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind. Im myself…and thats ok!

Im finding my Cheers.  I joined a gym.  Less for the exercise experience (Im still PLAYout at home mcgee) and *all* for the stop working, get out of the house & see other people! factor.  The other morning (brace yourselves) a member remembered my name.  Small victories, People.  Small victories. l’chaim!

We’ve found our tribe.  Oakland doesnt BAT the proverbial EYELASH at the fact we’re a motley crew of none-too-religious Jews.  We’re spiritual.  They’re accepting.  We’ve found our tribe. how misfits celebrate Sabbath

There are many members of my other tribe(s) here, too. (throws up  GLUTEN FREE gang-sign)  Ren Man was perplexed by my excitement at discovering the below in a movie theater concession stand (given the fact Im still not eating processed). For me it was yet another sign how inclusive my new home is. GF at a movie theater?!

Ive gots an office!  There is a Starbucks close by.  We all know Id not be one to write at a Starbucks.  Not my spirit.  Ive found my coffeeCHEERS and it has free wi-fi. misfit office. no.cal.branch

My yammerings of LOVE *aside*—-Ive been whining.

Complaining.

LAMENTING.

There are two things about my new town I cannot (yet) seem to let go:

the cold and the smoosh.

The former I *think* Ive gotten the hang of dressing properly for.

The latter Im confident I’ll grow accustomed to (Texas = spacious.  Who knew I adored it so?).

I shall learn to navigate the  smooshed-situation or trade in my vehicle for a….an…uh something which is coming soon and I cannot divulge yet. (<—-foreshadowing!!)

Narrow streets. Big car.

The chill Ive embraced.

Ive learned the fact Ive surrendered flipflops & tank tops does not mean Im not myself.

we’ve bundled

Im still myself.

Id forgotten how I LOVE TIGHTS!

we create our *own* color

now it’s NEVER too hot for this under clothes!

I bring my own blue skies

Still, more days than not, youll find me wearing this under my layers.:

my version of a commitment ring

Im here for the proverbial LONG HAUL as evidenced by the fact I have tattoo plans.

This.

Next year. 

On my ONE-YEAR-OAKtown-resident-’iversary (just the oak tree):

View the original article here

Five months later….

Yes. That’s my “dress” jumpsuit.

and what feels like a lifetime later—-we’ve got Listen To Your Mother show videos!

Much like going to Fitbloggin last week the opportunity to be a part of a group of women who just “got” me was amazing.

Powerful.

We were an eclectic group who had little in common outside of the fact we all use the written word as our way to best express ourselves.

Not all of us were mothers.  Not all of us were bloggers.  Not all of us were performers.

Some of our writings were funny (as in laugh out loud. some of the best writing Ive heard.).

Some of our writings were powerfully sad (as in I choked up.  as in it’s very very hard to make me do that with words.)

Some of our writings were both.  Rollercoaster rides in three short minutes of happy to despondent to elation (as in that’s a gift I covet.).

I remember coming home from our first table-read, waking Ren Man and telling him:

These women are UNBELIEVABLE.  Their writing is stunning.  Breathtaking.  I cannot believe Im part of this group.

He harumphed and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I know he didn’t ‘get’ what I was saying until the night of the show when he was able to hear for himself.  (He thinks Im the best writing he knows.  He’s sweet that way.)

I share these videos knowing how much we—the royal—dont much love videos.

Theyre just time consuming in a way blog reading is not.

Still, I urge you to bookmark Wendi’s post for later.

For the weekend or an evening/afternoon when you have a little YOU-time.

Mother, sister, aunt, friend, cousin, nanny, babysitter WOMAN I promise you’ll find a story in there to which you *entirely* relate.

View the original article here