Today is My Birthday and I'm Celebrating with Zardoz

Zardoz is back! He crawled out of his man cave to give me happy birthday wishes and allow me the privilege of gazing at his loin-clothed physique. Zardoz was also extra generous by helping me out with some very specific beautification tips that every aging birthday girl should be doing.

I gotta…

1) Pluck my chin hairs

2) Wax my mustaches

3) Count my gray silver hairs

4) Hike up my breasts into the push up bra

Guh… I’m 38 today. But despite this 4-step beautification routine to keep myself looking young(er), I’m happier than ever, better than ever, I’m more clear about want I want out of life, and I’m NOT slowing down.

No matter your age, the best years of your life can still be ahead of you. It’s all up to you, baby!

Now excuse me, but it’s finally time to chew on extra-large slices of birthday cakes. Frack the dainty moderation and small portions sizes today. I’m gonna be real greedy about it. There’s no shame in my birthday-eating game.

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