Why is this happening to me? That was one of my thoughts last week as I found myself in an emotional state I forbid myself to never enter. Just like all people, I sometimes get a little bummed out or disappointed, but actually depressed? How could Josie, the motivator and inspirationalizer, get entangled in depression? Not me.
I considered a few factors like the demands of mothering, wife-ing, a full time job, and blogging. But, eh, I’ve been doing that multi-tasking bundle of stuff for years. I also considered the frustration I sometimes feel from wanting something so very badly (goal oriented stuff), but knowing it’s still a few years off and will require continued effort, diligence, planning and patience to get there. But nope. That wasn’t it either. I understand the concept of delayed gratification, hard work and the rewards that come from it.
So then what was it? What’s this depression all about?
It all started with a Gumby toy I pulled out of Greedy Baby’s toy box. That’s my toy, actually. I’ve had it since around 1979. My mother sent it to me from California (she left when I was around 4-years-old and came back when I was 12). That Gumby is the only childhood thing I possess from my mother. The reality of “it’s the only thing” first made me sad, but then I stayed in sadness a little too long and got depressed.
I’m 38-years-old. I should be over this by now. I love my mother and forgave her a long time ago, so why am I depressed?
Depression obviously has a way of blowing things out of proportion and taking you down a road you didn’t plan on going. And then stomping on you.
Those Gumby toy thoughts then turned into: no one ever told me they loved me when I was kid …and my Grandmom only did the basics, like food, clothing and roof over my head, but no actual love or teaching me about life (there’s a lot of other “in my past” crap that happened, too)… And then that turned into, I’ve been looking terrible lately, maybe even ugly. My husband probably thinks I look terrible, too.
Aha! You see how this happens!? A few factual thoughts about my past spiraled into some extremely frivolous thoughts about my present, and that’s when I started feeling worse… about EVERYTHING! Without any justified basis for it.
But I caught myself. The discomfort of depression was just that – uncomfortable. So I decided I was going to pull myself out of that uncomfortable state. I made the decision to not be depressed. It wasn’t magical. It took effort, but I dug myself out of it (hooray!) and battled back.
I prayed: I’ve been a Christian woman since July 2, 1998. Yessir, I remember the exact day I received Christ. So I prayed and let faith work its unseen power. Then I prayed some more. And more… and more… I labored in prayer and asked Him for help.
I re-focused on my present and future: There’s too much wonderful stuff in my life to allow it to be hampered and suffocating by sadness. That truth re-opened my eyes to the good stuff happening all around me and all the wonderful things I still have to look forward to.
I let go of the past (again): My past is part of me. I can’t change that. But living in the past and feeding emotions from events that are long gone, done and over with serve no purpose in building me up today. It doesn’t add anything to my life. So I let it go. Will the past come up again? Sure. But I’m I control of how I allow my past to affect me.
Depression is a bastard, but it can be beat. And while my depression was very temporary (only a few days, maybe 4), I learned enough from it to realize that it has to been put in check BEFORE it gets the upper hand.
I know Yum Yucky is all about fun and laughs, information and inspiration, which made me kind of reluctant to share this vulnerable side of me with you right now. But you know what? For me to keep hidden this very human side of me would be crazy. If you ever have or are currently dealing with depression, please open up in the comments. Let’s help each other.
No comments:
Post a Comment