I want you hold me (a chickenbus flashback).

why do I think she may be the only one at school with this packpack?

(please to STOP, sit down, & commence gazing at your own navel as I proceed to blog whilst gazing into mine)

It’s been a wee while since Ive blogged stream of consciousness.

Whether it appears so or not (and believe me given my writing style Im cognizant of the fact it does not)—I tend to blog, put away, retrieve later, edit the crap out of said blog & post.

Not tonight.

These muzings have been rattling around in my brain for so long I simply need somewhere to dump them and you, as a captive audience for as long as you dont clickaway! clickaway!, are the unlucky reciepients.

Exactly TWO weeks from today the Tornado starts kindergarten.

(Ill let that sink in as I like to think everyone is a stunned by that fact as am I.)

As a result lately she’s been going through the requisite  mama Im kind of freaking out with excitement here! IM FIVE!! progression of separating & retreating back to me to be sure Im still around.

When we head out to terrorize our local bookstore she immediately wanders off with the ‘friends’ she’s met 3 minutes prior & is slowly readying herself for the breaking-away which is kindergarten.

Invariably, after any occasion where she’s gallivanted off on her own, as soon as we’re safely back in the domicile she becomes extra clingy and says:

Mama, I want you hold me.

Which brings me to my point (rather circuitously yet more rapidly than I’d anticipated when I hit NEW POST):

I love this about her (and really most kids) as she knows what she needs and is willing to make herself vulnerable and ask for it.

My question, as she readies to join her peers full-time:

When do we lose the ability to reveal our needs & plainly state what we desire.

When do we veer away from I want you hold me & toward feeling as though we must do everything on our own and/or  (almost worse in my opinion) expect others to guess what we need?

Ren Man & I have talked about this ad nauseum and have come up empty.

I know for me the ability to ask for what I need has been an evolution.

One which started as a joke (a mocking of a Days of Our Lives scene where one character approached another and wailed HOLD ME ABE!!) & has slowly evolved to many a serious moment of making myself vulnerable as asking does not always mean we will receive.

What I wish for my girl is that she is *not* me in this realm.

What I wish for my girl is she can always express I want you hold me & allow herself to be vulnerable with people no matter how risky an endeavor that may at times feel to be.

What I wish for my girl is she may reap the benefit of your wisdom and life-experience.

When was the last time you metaphorically(or literally) uttered the words: I want you hold me.

To whom are you able to make yourself vulnerable? Did this list used to be longer?

If youre like most of us grown-up types & have lost this ability what is your I want you hold me youve grown unable to speak?

I know I always say please to hit me up in the comments, but today more than ever I seek your wisdom.

Please to hit us ALL up below.

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fitbloggin flashback

I know.

I’ll bet you thought after this post you’d be spared my conference-muzings.

Alas.

You were incorrect.

More than anything I want to again thank my sponsor UGI.

They rock, People.

Their product is amazing.

They are smart, strong, funny, motivated woman working their collective-asses off to help us work our collective-asses off (yesIsaidit.).

ONWARD.

What I learned and re-learned over the past few days.

Bullet’ed for your reading pleasure:

The second time can, indeed, be as fab as the first. I wont lie to you or Roni Noone.  I feared. I feared. I adored the intimacy we had at Fitbloggin10.  I was happy to see with more bloggers in attendance there was the same level of kinship & unity.There is nothing like being greeted at the airport by two amazing stranger-friends. Ive known Tara & Colleen on twitter for a while & being met at the Baltimore airport by their energy launched Fitbloggin perfectly.

Somethings ARE worth the wait, exceed expectations and feel IMMEDIATELY comfy like an old shoe you’ve known each other forever. I was nervous-excited to*finally* meet the other Fit Chick (sans her microphone) and, well, I love her just as much in person as on skype.When you have a nice thought—share it. Some may call it losing my filter, but I like to think of it as spreading the love.  With a few words you can alter the course of someone’s day or entire conference. I was on the *receiving* end of this at Fitbloggin & hope my shared words made me on the giving end as well.Our tribe is warm, welcoming and MIND-BLOWINGLY supportive. I could ramble (& get choked up in the process)  instead Ill just say read this post.I really don’t workout when on vacation. Roni offered an veritable buffet of fitness activities.  I worked my mouth-muscles chatting instead.  Time with blogger-friends feels all too fleeting.The sessions I attended were so packed with information & discourse they could have spanned an entire weekend (Hello! Intuitive Eating panel).  We healthy living bloggers are a wise & talented bunch.That said, I still think I learned more outside the sessions than in. The stories shared.  The laughter.  The tears. The blogger melding of the minds & plotting of world domination. Bloggers uniting to effect national change. All of that happen in hallways or on escalators or during snack breaks or meals or late night and it inspired me.At 40+ I wont back down from peer pressure something that scares me. I ate my first oyster at Fitbloggin.  Never. Again. I dont understand the allure and have been informed some of this is the fact I gag at the mere use of the word horseradish.

The beef jerky I currently consume *stinks* and many of you love me enough to sit near me in sessions anyway.

I leave town & the Tornado gets snazzy new boots (!).

I possess the ability to commit to & indeed execute wearing nothing but toddler clothing jumpsuits for 4 days in a row (save your applause).An impressive number of you fancy ladies own and use flat irons on a regular basis.  Im in awe.

When asked by people, as I have been frequently since Sunday morning, what did I miss at Fitbloggin?! my answer is this:

Absolutely nothing (as thanks to Roni the sessions were all live blogged), LOTS (hugs, love-fests, first time meeting shrieks of joy & shared moments which defy words) and please to come next year.

I’ve attended many conferences where I return tired, depleted and a wee bit regretting I took the time away from my family.

I returned from Fitbloggin feeling more CONNECTED than I had in a while.  To know me virtually or in real life is to know that is something this misfit really, really needed.

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